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Brief synopsis:

Fitz, Nellie and Seany, three lifelong, hapless friends, dream about the day they can leave behind their boring little village in the arse-end of nowhere in the Scottish Highlands. Nellie drives a mobile delivery van, and gets beaten up regularly by the other rival drivers on his turf. Having had enough, Fitz helps Nellie get revenge by sabotaging their opponent’s van by pouring sugar into the petrol tank and puncturing all the tyres.

Being a small Scottish village of limited resources, Nellie’s van is also used as a hearse, taking dead bodies to the undertakers. When Old Tam kicks the bucket, Fitz and Nellie, while wrestling his body into the van, discover a huge lump of gold in Tam’s fist. Fitz and Nelly charge down to the local pub, where Seany works, to deliver the good news about their newfound wealth.

Seany knows a shady character, Frankie The Fence, who will buy the gold from them, so the boys jump into the van, carefully stashing the gold inside a statue of Jesus on the dashboard.

Unfortunately, Big John, local small town gangster and owner of the van they have sabotaged, is lying in wait for them. His men ambush the boys and drag them off to his office, he wants £1000 in damages and takes their van as collateral – including the gold.

The boys hatch a plan to get the van and the gold back, though Seany, in a fit of blind panic at the prospect of double crossing Big John, confesses all to Harry, the Chairman of the Curling Club. Harry, who sees himself as the big fish in this very small pond, wants the gold for himself.

Their only chance now is to try and set Harry and Big John up against each other. But that’s like playing with fireworks: you know that somebody is going to get hurt.

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